Pickle Barrel
I’M A “MOMPRENEUR,” working from home for the past seven years. I toil upstairs in my office while the kids play downstairs in their rooms. I make business deals while my kids make arts and crafts projects. I have full-time help, so I can work. Sounds ideal, doesn’t it? So why, I ask, do I still feel so guilty whenever I have to dash up to my home office?
Here’s one scenario. Little Jessie — my daughter — is home from school for the day. I carve a bit of time out from my work day, and join her for a quick lunch… and then head back upstairs to work again. I see a look of disappointment spread across her face.
“Play with me some more Mommy. P-l-e-a-s-e!” she pleads. Ouch. How, in all conscience, can I just walk away?
“Five more minutes, sunshine,” I say. “Then I have to get back to work.”
We pretend to feed her collection of baby dolls and, ten minutes later, I’m back in front of my computer again.
Am I damaging my most prized possessions by disappearing into my office for most of the day? The guilt was gnawing away at me, so I decided to ask an expert about my situation; I called Dr. Huzur Altay, a clinical psychologist specializing in child and adolescent psychology.
“The pros far outweigh the cons of moms being around working at home,” she says. “In fact, most of the moms find it more challenging than the kids do.”
“What kids need is structure and reassurance,” she points out. I feel calmer as she goes on to explain that the simple fact of knowing Mom is in the other room is extremely beneficial to a child’s psyche. In fact, Dr. Altay reveals that, for adolescents, this situation is actually ideal.
“Most adolescents don’t want to talk to their parents — they just want to know you’re around to hear them grunt, and bring them milk and cookies,” chuckles Altay.
I’m not surprised to learn that much of the stress in this dynamic stems from the guilt-stricken moms. When mummy starts to question her choices, she becomes noticeably more anxious in her interactions. Kids feed off of that anxiety, and eventually act out.
Dr. Altay compares working in your home to the experience of leaving your kids at the front door of their preschool. There are some anxious kids who just can’t say goodbye, so they cry. Some moms react with a worried look on their faces. They rush back for extra hugs — and inevitably, this scenario snowballs into an emotional drama. Other moms handle this scenario more successfully, by giving their little one a big kiss, saying “see you later — you’ll be fine, sweetie” and casually exiting stage left.
“We need more benign negligence,” Altay says. “It allows kids to be more separate individuals, rather than extensions of who we are — not narcissists.”
But what about the message I’m sending to my kids — that work is more important to me than they are?
“Not true,” replies the wise doctor. In her experience, many working moms are so wracked with guilt that they belittle the importance and value of their work, which is picked up by the rest of the family.
“No job is small,” says Dr. Altay. “Be aware of how you talk about the value of your work to your family.” She’s right about that; Mummy does need the respect.
After all, as well as being primary caregivers, moms are important role models, setting examples through our day-to-day behaviour. My hope is by working hard and showing my kids how much I love what I do, I’m passing on a similar passion to create and succeed.
“How many kids get to peek into their parents’ working world?” Dr. Altay rhetorically asks.
“And how many working parents get to eat lunch with their kids?” I answer, with a sigh of relief.
I trudge upstairs to respond to
my emails while listening to the
sounds of my daughter having a tea
party with her dolls downstairs.
Life is good. 
Post columnist Erica Ehm is one of Canada’s most recognized personalities. As the first female MuchMusic host, she was the voice of her generation. Now she’s become a voice of a new generation: yummy mummies. Visit her new website, at www.yummymummysite.com.
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